I didn't make the crossing

11.20.07
I’m on the verge of a complete melt down. Today I shouted at a trainee as she walked through a session that was going on. She was the third one to do so and it was totally inappropriate for her and the others. I truly believe that the young people in this training group are some of the rudest people I have ever met but I was wrong to have yelled. The truth is I’m in very bad mental shape. I really want to stay in Vanuatu and the Peace Corps but I am losing a battle with my fear of failure, fear of isolation, lack of quality sleep and lack of intimacy. I don’t see how I can get any of that on Epi. The place is just too remote, has such a lack of hygiene and I will have no one to relate to. I have a strong desire to stay here in Mangaliliu and pick up for a volunteer that was medically separated this week. The project here is one that I have keen interest in. It is working on the World Heritage classification for the site of Chief Roi Mata who some four hundred years ago lived, died and was buried all in this area. He is credited with creating the totem system of clan marriage for Vanuatu and a great peace maker. Any if I can talk the country director into giving me the opportunity it will have several distinct advantages. One I have a very good relationship with my host family who are very prominent and with the chief already. I have a positive reputation in the village, it is a job I can do and would like to do and it is just a thirty to forty minute ride into Vila. While I’m not overly taken with Vila at least it offers a semblance of civilization which means perhaps meeting a woman to be close to and a individuals to have a good level of intellectual stimulation with.
If I don’t get the chance I may not stay. I have been battling health issues. I am on the mend but have had all at once pink eye, three infections on my legs and a rather nasty scrap on my leg from slipping while trying to help push a truck. I may well have hurt my chances because my out burst was witnessed by the head of the training staff. I did have a discussion earlier with the PCMO (medical officer) and told her my problems.
I am just not dealing with this very well. I may find myself in the US shortly.

11/24/07

This is a day when my systems are not altogether is an agreement. The conflict is over staying in Vanuatu and doing the job and the growth I have longed to do for sometime. That is the desire of my heart. I feel that I can do so much and grow but my mind and body are telling me to go home.
Thanksgiving night the trainees had planned for a feast to share our holiday with our family but unfortunately an old man (a former chief from the island across from us) died. So the wailing started and the plans had to be adjusted. We had our dinner in the office. Everyone created wonderful dishes. It was fairly typical. Lots of food devoured fairly quickly and then TV, in this case a DVD of Charlie Brown’s Christmas. The twenty-somethings dominate the atmosphere of the group. I stayed and watched but then more juvenile crap was proposed. I headed home. I read for a short while and then went to sleep. At about 11PM I awoke shriving uncontrollably. Struggled out of bed to put on some clothes. That didn’t help. After fifteen minutes of that I struggled next to my family’s house and asked for some help. They went and got one of the trainers and they drove up to the office. While sat in the back seat with my mama rubbing chest they called the PC nurse Jane. I was taken back to my hut given Tylenol and told to change to a lighter shirt and stay in bed except for toilet privilege. The shriving subsided but the fever was high. I had fitful sleep throughout the night. In the morning I was visited and checked by Christina (head of training) she then called Jane again and I was put on antibiotics because my left leg is hot, red and swollen. This is a result of some small scratch, or puncture that I got while on a hike through the bush about ten days ago. I thought I had taken care of it but obviously not. So in the last week I’ve had pink eye, three infections in my legs, one which has returned and now has spread up my leg and of course a slip which resulted in a huge scrap on my leg. So my body wants out of here.
What about my mind? Well I found the site that I was to be sent to totally unlivable. I have said this all before. People old, hygiene intolerable, sleep close to impossible, facilities abandoned and my supposed home in total disrepair. I had a talk with the country director on Wednesday. I told him I wanted to stay in Vanuatu but I could go back to Epi. He agreed and proposed the island across from there, Paama. I was enthused despite the fact that my first desire to replace a volunteer here at Mangaliliu was rejected. The day before I had yelled at several trainees after a third one had just walked right through a training session several of us were in. The juvenile behavior exhibited by most of these people irritates me. I am on edge a great deal by it. While I understand a certain level revelry there are too many instances of rudeness and disrespect. I know to that they are under the same pressures as me but please. When I am frustrated and have no other outlet I get cranky and occasionally snap. It is good but it is me. And so here I am in a bad state of mind. My mind tells go home. It isn’t going to get any better. There must be something else you can do to satisfy your needs.
Friday morning I struggled to the public phone so I could call Keri and Kevin on their Thanksgiving. I was weak and sick. In just a few minutes I could say so little. I had had thoughts that it might be the last I would ever speak to them again.
I had some care given be by my family and one volunteer Jacki who is 72 and is embarking on her second tour with the Peace Corps. Yet here I am sitting in the Peace Corps office having just spoken with Jane, the nurse and said just get me a ticket home.

11.26.07
It's Monday here in Vanuatu. On Thursday night I awoke with uncontrollable shivers. I tried to stop them by putting on clothes, but after 15 min I had to stumble to the host family's house and ask for help. I was driven up to the Peace Corps office. A call was made to the medical officer, an Australian nurse, she told them to get my clothes off and give me Tylenol and put me to bed. It took nearly a day to break the fever. It was caused by an infection in my leg. Another day later my left leg is very red, swollen and very sore. I called this morning and made a choice that despite my heart and desire, my body and mind are telling me to come home and do something different. So now I am in a hotel in Vila, have a triple cocktail of antibiotics (including one in the butt-2 times a day). I have TV, room service, AC, hot shower, phone and internet. I'm on bed rest for a few days until the infection comes down. Then they'll send me back to the US on the first available flight.
I'm sad but at a place of resolve.

The nurse told me I probably be her for a week. That’s until Sunday and then I’ll fly home via Auckland NZ or Fiji. I’m practically confined to my bed except for the bathroom and I went down stairs for breakfast but have room service otherwise. It ain’t terrible, I have a bit of cable TV, slow net access, AC, hot shower and room service w/ a small frig full of drinks. Alcohol is verboten on the heavy antibiotic cocktail I’m on. One more shot in the butt tonight but I’ll be taking them for a while. The flight will be a 24 hr ordeal. So although my leg will be swollen and red and I’ll have pressure stocking on I should be able to get back OK. I may try to cash in my ticket in NZ or Fiji and an extra bit to stay for a couple of days. Not sure if that will work or not. I’m here. Might as well see some place else.
I’m OK mentally not except I’m ready to move on. The entire training came into town to see me yesterday. I had left the training village in the morning when they were all over on a small island. It was very nice. Several remarked how good I looked now despite my leg. I have the world of doubt fear and concern off my shoulders.